gutom

akala ko iidlip ka lang
bakit mo ko tinulugan?
kumakalam na ang sikmura ko
hinihintay paggising mo
kasi sabay tayong kakain.
pero tulog ka na,
napagod ka sa trabaho
tulad kahapon, nung isang araw.
limot mo na ang sikmura mo
tulad ng paglimot mo sa mundo
at sa kalaliman ng gabi,
nalimutan na ako.
bakit iniisip pa kita
nagpapakapagod
makasama ka?
bakit?

a can of space

i write because i'm not fine. at the moment, things between me and Jacob are sorts of routine and uncertainties, and i feel sad and low. i'm not likely to suppress it or it will slowly consume me, like a burning candle with a bomb at the base of it.

i say, work is pressing lately, and the desire of finding comfort in Jacob's arms is rather becoming a habit than a sweet wanting, and i feel sore about it, i mean, to pluck it out of its own spontaneity. i don't like this to happen, or now at least, to linger. but how do i stop? i crave for his attention so that every day, i list down all the things he misses out to do for me. even during the night when i'm alone, i could not sleep from evaluating issues about us. he works hard, and much. so much that during the times we are together, he looks exhausted and stressed.

now, we don't spend quality time together, and i find myself refraining from suggesting stuff we could do as i only receive a broken smile or promise. i'm not happy that i'm always the one who adjusts for the sake of his work. he is pouring himself to his career that i can't feel him at all. i'm not happy to be with an empty being. i love him but i admit i'm beginning to get tired of our relationship, and i'm not liking every bit of this.

i say, i only long for a warm, feeling hug to forget the world. not a hug of distress to make me feel sore and drained. i want you back, Ga, the way i have always known you.

i miss you.

when you strain yourself with anything

it's been a while since i last blogged. unlike when i had all the time to myself. now, i only have 2 days of rest from work. weekends to spend like crazy to end up hating mondays even more.

you see, to hate mondays is part of my routine, but to hate mondays even more means breaking my routine. and breaking my routine is always cool. i mean, just to strip the boredom out of it. mondays. why am i thinking of monday when it's only saturday? and why am i forcing myself to write even if i suck?

maybe i just missed blogging and i'm frustrated.

bakit mahilig mangaral ang mga tao?

alam mo ba? kasi ako hindi. bakit nga ba? may alamat ba ng pangaral? pabasa naman kung may kopya ka! gusto ko kasing malaman kung bakit nangangaral ang mga tao. maintindihan ko man lang kung bakit masarap mangaral at kung bakit bad trip makinig ng pangaral. kung bakit nakakairita ka pag nangangaral ka at kung bakit nangangaral ka pa rin kahit nakakairita ka na. paulit-ulit, paulit-ulit ulit ulit parang pirated cd o kaya the never ending story o star wars o titanic o a walk to remember o kahit na anong pinapaulit ulit mong pinapanood na di ka man lang magsawa.

pinangaralan ko kasi si Ee kanina. kunsenysa ito.

a sweet, sweet memory

i remembered my old blog and viewed it. i found this:

moments in quezon province

so beautiful...
as every moment i had there,
i spent with him.

Posted at 4:53 pm by butiki
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Earlier tonight, the virgin island of Quezon Province, where we've been summer of 2005 along with Jacob's high school friends (the cheatmates), was featured in Qtv. I was totally amused because the island looked exactly the same 3 years ago - virgin. As in, no electricity, no drinking water, no one living nearby. And it still hasn't got a name up to now. I was also amused at the thought of knowing the name of the island's lone cave, the Kuwebang Lampas, which, according to the Quezon people, serves as a passage way to the other part of the ocean. But Qtv did not feature the floating island which is about 30 minutes by boat from the shore of the virgin island. It's a long strip of white sand you can only see during low tide. It was where Pol found a big starfish (like Patrick in Spongebob Squarepants) and it was also where Ib's girlfriend was attacked by a red jellyfish (tragic but later we found the jellyfish's mark wrapped around her arm like a tattoo amazing).

What i can't imagine is how we got there considering we hiked over a mountain (or mountains?) carrying all our baggages (including several tents and big jugs of drinking water). We were dog-tired when we reached the island but not one of us cared a bit like when we got there, Jacob and the rest ran to the waters and forgot the world (i did not because i was kind of sick... so i considered resting first a good idea, but i also forgot the stress we get from our city life just as i saw the view, believe me!). It was amazing.

Just. Amazing. We will never forget the night sky when it was filled with millions of stars that all we ever did was lie down on the beach sand and wondered, and dreamed, and smiled, over, and over, and over. Forgetting the bonfire, and the candles we carefully put inside some paper bags half-filled with sand. The sky was more than enough to take our breath away. It was such another sweet memory i will never trade for anything.

oranged

forget whining. you know what you want. you are not confused. you are just afraid to begin. be strong. whatever you hope for will be yours in the right time. have faith. be happy for what you have and for who you are. relax. everything's gonna be just fine. believe. the sky is tangerine.

as quite as it seems

i didn't realize it's 10 minutes past midnight until i finally decided to check the time. i can't sleep. things in my mind are so alive like ants crawling everywhere. what is going on with my life? i've been repeating this question to myself like a mantra since last week. my life shouldn't be this complicated because it only revolves around work and Jacob. but i've been out of work since last month and i'm starting to worry now that i haven't got a job yet after having exhausted all the possibilities i know (uhm, truth is, i'm only looking for a job in the food industry but food companies don't seem to like me. but i'm hoping. because i'm looking for something i will really enjoy and as i assessed myself, i will do good in the food business!) as for Jacob, we are moving in to an apartment and i'm anxious about it. i don't like the history of the place. but Jacob has already paid for the rent and there is nothing else we can do. :-(

worries keep milling to my head. i can't stop wondering why things happen the way they have to be. or i'm just careless with my decisions? sigh. i hate the fact that i'm stupid.

blah, blah blacksheep

Trapped in quarter life crisis.

It's exactly 6 o' clock in the evening. Dusk is by the window. It's a bit cold inside the room. Jacob is sleeping. And i'm starting my nonsense. So. Two of the companies which i sent CV to just messaged me for an initial screening -slash- interview next week. Oh. That is quite a blessing for a bummie (sighs). I'm turning 25 in August and yet i haven't found my place under sun. Why? I still don't have a stable career. Whenever i get a particular job, i say, 'This is it. This is the job i wanted. This is the job for me.' And then, whoa! As if i just woke up from a nightmare, i tell myself the opposite and then... quit.

What. Is. The. Matter. With. Me?

Most of my friends tell me i may be experiencing quarter life crisis. The period of anxiety and confusion. The time when all you want to do is knock off all the uncertainties that hit your mind. The time when you start fearing things may not work out for you. The time when all you need is to feel you are secure, that however things may change or whatever life may bring, you are alright... and that you are more mature in handling things, in seeing things, in dealing with things, and you are not likely to struggle accepting whatsoever.

It's like another growth period. Like you just learned how to walk or just learned how to ride a bicycle again. Only you are not as innocent as the first time you really learned to do such things. Now, you know it's a rough road out there. And because of that, you are afraid you might lose control.

It's a cruel phase in life when you're in point blank and no matter how you like to move on, you keep pulling back because of the million questions that haunt you. You are unsure you'd make the right move or you'd take the right direction so you are too scared to take a step or to even think about it. You believe you can't go wrong because whatever you do, you will be accountable for it and will surely leave a mark of you.

It's when you start to feel little and insecure because you become conscious with yourself. You start comparing yourself to others, you start counting your achievements, you start looking through your past mistakes and then blame yourself for not having learned a thing.

It's when you think you are shattered into pieces and that you need to put yourself together in the right place, right now, before it's too late to even try to. It's when you are busy analyzing why things happen this way or that and you are too preoccupied thinking about what will become of you in the future. It's when you find yourself drowning in confusion, thinking of the right things to do... where to start, how to get by, whatever you need to reset your life.

It's the chapter when you start to absorb the reality of this world, good and bad, and you know things in life are not easy and fun after all.

My friends may be right and i'm just glad they care. I think it's a good idea to tell my parents about this stuff i'm going through. Maybe they will realize i'm not a black sheep after all... that i'm only a confused black sheep after all (Anu?? Wahaha!!) But honestly, the thing i'm most thankful for is having Jacob and being with him as i get through this distressful situation. With him, i am realizing and learning a lot and everything just feels so good in spite of all the pain and struggle.

Thank you, Langga, for being there and not saying anything. You know just what i need. I love you so much and i wouldn't hurt you for the world. Thank you for taking care of me and loving me to bits. ;-)

life is wonderful...

when everything you do just sucks and you get sweet kisses. when you feel completely lost and you find yourself snuggling close in his arms. and when everyone thinks you're stupid but he loves you more in spite of that.

inhaling you, exhaling me

you suffocate me
like waterlilies on a riverbed,
you cover me
until i could no longer breathe
that your air creeps into my lungs
like wild spiders!
and very slowly,
your breath becomes
my own.

dehydrated at 5 o' clock

I spent the previous week eating clouds. I don't know what that means. I just think clouds are delicious, and it might be a good intro because it sounds weird. I'm weird! Weee! Seriously, it was a week of movie marathon and food trip. A week of rain and moonlight. A week of alternate fun and loneliness. Fun and loneliness. Fun and loneliness... Anyway, Jacob is tired from work and is asleep right now. I was watching him sleep. And as if the world sensed it, the sky turned from pale blue to tangerine shooing me away from the computer, seducing me to take a nap. But i'm not likely to fall asleep. (Grins). For one thing, people don't get tired from sleeping all night. I'm a crazy girl. I quit my job and then whine about having nothing to do. I know i'm barely making any sense. I better get a drink. My writing sucks and i'm beginning to feel stupid.

a lot like love

Love, please don't ask me how much you mean to me.
I might ruin your life.

You...
like the dawn that i so wait to see.
like the daylight that most warms my heart.
like the cool breeze that whispers at noontime.
like the sunset.
like the moonbeam.
like the lullaby in my sleep.

today the sky is romantic

Last night, Mr. Moon had been very kind to grant my wish for a moonlight stroll and Jacob and I were more than happy about it. It was the first time it didn't rain this July, and it was our first walk for this month. Strolling has been one of our traditions because it was how we've known each other. So whenever there's time, we stroll around anywhere, like... kung saan kami dalhin ng aming mga paa. We love strolling as much as we love the moonlight.

Anyway, the rain is back today but i'm not hating it. Truth is, i always love the rain and i am thankful for it like i'm thankful for every sunset. I love the melancholy feeling it gives. The gloom of the atmosphere is like tagging my heart toward something i can't explain, like a very deep feeling - beyond happiness or sadness. I don't know and i don't understand. Maybe it's because it's not usually warm when it rains... there's cool breeze, like the air is whispering something sweet, like i'm in Baguio.

Baguio. (Sighs). It was where i spent my college days. Fog, pine trees, coffee and old friends, cold air, the feeling that it's always like about to rain. How can i forget the place? It has been my home for several years, and i'm always reminded of it when it rains. Just like now. It's raining, and it's cold. The clouds are grey, and the sky is romantic.

to hope for a nice moonlight stroll

I miss the moonlight. I hope it won’t rain tomorrow. I think it's wonderful to have the moon back in the night sky so i can take a nice stroll down the moon-bathed streets. I like that. But what am i up to ‘til now? I thought I’d be snoring by 3am but here i am trying hard keeping my sanity.

Well, truth is, i just had a very long conversation with my brother’s wife and now I can’t bring myself to sleep. Let's say, we talked about how my life is going and how i appreciate their (my family) concern. I tell you, i am thankful they mind me a lot. For that, i am certain they love me. Only there's a bit of awkwardness whenever they start telling me their worries.

You know... it's sickening. Kind of like a buzzing alarm, reminding me of how i get worse each day, like i'm an awful swell in the family or that sort. I think my life is better now that i know what i want and i'm starting to do things my way but they think i'm getting worse, that i don't know what i want and that i should do things their way because they want to help (did they say... help?? I just need them to be happy for me.)

It's really sweet that they care in spite of my carelessness for things but i need time to reset my life. I know i suck but their bugging doesn't help. I need focus. . . And i need them to understand. But if there's no way they could gather my point, then i just hope Jacob will take me for a walk tomorrow, in the moonlight, if it doesn't rain.

in the absence of the moon

The sound of raindrops in a cold, gloomy night is depressing when you're alone, as exactly how i'm feeling right now. Earlier i was telling a friend about my plans of working as a coffee barista. The only job i think i will enjoy because it’s… well because it’s coffee. My friend told me that working in a coffee shop may perhaps be a fairly great experience and i felt better to hear that. Somehow it’s… comforting, considering my qualms in pursuing an entirely different vocation. She also reminded me that i am free to decide for whatever i want to do in my life, and that i should be thankful and happy with my decisions. Yet again, i felt better.

Now going back to the sound of raindrops and my lonely state. It seems that i am just trying to unload my worries.

marshmallows in my head

It's a cold night and i'm going crazy. I can feel the marshmallows in my head start to float and i am near to digging up childhood memories. And memories like taking the ordinary bus ride for home and watching sunset and baking cookies. Just sweet and uncomplicated. Like thinking of Jacob.

Jacob makes my life wonderful. Like when i'm with him, everything just feels so right. So good. So home. Even at times when i'm totally ruffled and i muddle along through my bad moods. He knows just how to make me feel better.

I am really blessed to have him in my life and i am so thankful for him. Loving him is the best thing i ever do in this world that without him, life is unbearable. Without him, i'd have nothing to look forward to... like my dream of a simple life shared with someone, kids, a husband to take care of, and marshmallows to write about on cold nights when i'm going crazy.