gutom

akala ko iidlip ka lang
bakit mo ko tinulugan?
kumakalam na ang sikmura ko
hinihintay paggising mo
kasi sabay tayong kakain.
pero tulog ka na,
napagod ka sa trabaho
tulad kahapon, nung isang araw.
limot mo na ang sikmura mo
tulad ng paglimot mo sa mundo
at sa kalaliman ng gabi,
nalimutan na ako.
bakit iniisip pa kita
nagpapakapagod
makasama ka?
bakit?

a can of space

i write because i'm not fine. at the moment, things between me and Jacob are sorts of routine and uncertainties, and i feel sad and low. i'm not likely to suppress it or it will slowly consume me, like a burning candle with a bomb at the base of it.

i say, work is pressing lately, and the desire of finding comfort in Jacob's arms is rather becoming a habit than a sweet wanting, and i feel sore about it, i mean, to pluck it out of its own spontaneity. i don't like this to happen, or now at least, to linger. but how do i stop? i crave for his attention so that every day, i list down all the things he misses out to do for me. even during the night when i'm alone, i could not sleep from evaluating issues about us. he works hard, and much. so much that during the times we are together, he looks exhausted and stressed.

now, we don't spend quality time together, and i find myself refraining from suggesting stuff we could do as i only receive a broken smile or promise. i'm not happy that i'm always the one who adjusts for the sake of his work. he is pouring himself to his career that i can't feel him at all. i'm not happy to be with an empty being. i love him but i admit i'm beginning to get tired of our relationship, and i'm not liking every bit of this.

i say, i only long for a warm, feeling hug to forget the world. not a hug of distress to make me feel sore and drained. i want you back, Ga, the way i have always known you.

i miss you.

when you strain yourself with anything

it's been a while since i last blogged. unlike when i had all the time to myself. now, i only have 2 days of rest from work. weekends to spend like crazy to end up hating mondays even more.

you see, to hate mondays is part of my routine, but to hate mondays even more means breaking my routine. and breaking my routine is always cool. i mean, just to strip the boredom out of it. mondays. why am i thinking of monday when it's only saturday? and why am i forcing myself to write even if i suck?

maybe i just missed blogging and i'm frustrated.

bakit mahilig mangaral ang mga tao?

alam mo ba? kasi ako hindi. bakit nga ba? may alamat ba ng pangaral? pabasa naman kung may kopya ka! gusto ko kasing malaman kung bakit nangangaral ang mga tao. maintindihan ko man lang kung bakit masarap mangaral at kung bakit bad trip makinig ng pangaral. kung bakit nakakairita ka pag nangangaral ka at kung bakit nangangaral ka pa rin kahit nakakairita ka na. paulit-ulit, paulit-ulit ulit ulit parang pirated cd o kaya the never ending story o star wars o titanic o a walk to remember o kahit na anong pinapaulit ulit mong pinapanood na di ka man lang magsawa.

pinangaralan ko kasi si Ee kanina. kunsenysa ito.

a sweet, sweet memory

i remembered my old blog and viewed it. i found this:

moments in quezon province

so beautiful...
as every moment i had there,
i spent with him.

Posted at 4:53 pm by butiki
Make a comment Permalink

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Earlier tonight, the virgin island of Quezon Province, where we've been summer of 2005 along with Jacob's high school friends (the cheatmates), was featured in Qtv. I was totally amused because the island looked exactly the same 3 years ago - virgin. As in, no electricity, no drinking water, no one living nearby. And it still hasn't got a name up to now. I was also amused at the thought of knowing the name of the island's lone cave, the Kuwebang Lampas, which, according to the Quezon people, serves as a passage way to the other part of the ocean. But Qtv did not feature the floating island which is about 30 minutes by boat from the shore of the virgin island. It's a long strip of white sand you can only see during low tide. It was where Pol found a big starfish (like Patrick in Spongebob Squarepants) and it was also where Ib's girlfriend was attacked by a red jellyfish (tragic but later we found the jellyfish's mark wrapped around her arm like a tattoo amazing).

What i can't imagine is how we got there considering we hiked over a mountain (or mountains?) carrying all our baggages (including several tents and big jugs of drinking water). We were dog-tired when we reached the island but not one of us cared a bit like when we got there, Jacob and the rest ran to the waters and forgot the world (i did not because i was kind of sick... so i considered resting first a good idea, but i also forgot the stress we get from our city life just as i saw the view, believe me!). It was amazing.

Just. Amazing. We will never forget the night sky when it was filled with millions of stars that all we ever did was lie down on the beach sand and wondered, and dreamed, and smiled, over, and over, and over. Forgetting the bonfire, and the candles we carefully put inside some paper bags half-filled with sand. The sky was more than enough to take our breath away. It was such another sweet memory i will never trade for anything.

oranged

forget whining. you know what you want. you are not confused. you are just afraid to begin. be strong. whatever you hope for will be yours in the right time. have faith. be happy for what you have and for who you are. relax. everything's gonna be just fine. believe. the sky is tangerine.

as quite as it seems

i didn't realize it's 10 minutes past midnight until i finally decided to check the time. i can't sleep. things in my mind are so alive like ants crawling everywhere. what is going on with my life? i've been repeating this question to myself like a mantra since last week. my life shouldn't be this complicated because it only revolves around work and Jacob. but i've been out of work since last month and i'm starting to worry now that i haven't got a job yet after having exhausted all the possibilities i know (uhm, truth is, i'm only looking for a job in the food industry but food companies don't seem to like me. but i'm hoping. because i'm looking for something i will really enjoy and as i assessed myself, i will do good in the food business!) as for Jacob, we are moving in to an apartment and i'm anxious about it. i don't like the history of the place. but Jacob has already paid for the rent and there is nothing else we can do. :-(

worries keep milling to my head. i can't stop wondering why things happen the way they have to be. or i'm just careless with my decisions? sigh. i hate the fact that i'm stupid.