blah, blah blacksheep

Trapped in quarter life crisis.

It's exactly 6 o' clock in the evening. Dusk is by the window. It's a bit cold inside the room. Jacob is sleeping. And i'm starting my nonsense. So. Two of the companies which i sent CV to just messaged me for an initial screening -slash- interview next week. Oh. That is quite a blessing for a bummie (sighs). I'm turning 25 in August and yet i haven't found my place under sun. Why? I still don't have a stable career. Whenever i get a particular job, i say, 'This is it. This is the job i wanted. This is the job for me.' And then, whoa! As if i just woke up from a nightmare, i tell myself the opposite and then... quit.

What. Is. The. Matter. With. Me?

Most of my friends tell me i may be experiencing quarter life crisis. The period of anxiety and confusion. The time when all you want to do is knock off all the uncertainties that hit your mind. The time when you start fearing things may not work out for you. The time when all you need is to feel you are secure, that however things may change or whatever life may bring, you are alright... and that you are more mature in handling things, in seeing things, in dealing with things, and you are not likely to struggle accepting whatsoever.

It's like another growth period. Like you just learned how to walk or just learned how to ride a bicycle again. Only you are not as innocent as the first time you really learned to do such things. Now, you know it's a rough road out there. And because of that, you are afraid you might lose control.

It's a cruel phase in life when you're in point blank and no matter how you like to move on, you keep pulling back because of the million questions that haunt you. You are unsure you'd make the right move or you'd take the right direction so you are too scared to take a step or to even think about it. You believe you can't go wrong because whatever you do, you will be accountable for it and will surely leave a mark of you.

It's when you start to feel little and insecure because you become conscious with yourself. You start comparing yourself to others, you start counting your achievements, you start looking through your past mistakes and then blame yourself for not having learned a thing.

It's when you think you are shattered into pieces and that you need to put yourself together in the right place, right now, before it's too late to even try to. It's when you are busy analyzing why things happen this way or that and you are too preoccupied thinking about what will become of you in the future. It's when you find yourself drowning in confusion, thinking of the right things to do... where to start, how to get by, whatever you need to reset your life.

It's the chapter when you start to absorb the reality of this world, good and bad, and you know things in life are not easy and fun after all.

My friends may be right and i'm just glad they care. I think it's a good idea to tell my parents about this stuff i'm going through. Maybe they will realize i'm not a black sheep after all... that i'm only a confused black sheep after all (Anu?? Wahaha!!) But honestly, the thing i'm most thankful for is having Jacob and being with him as i get through this distressful situation. With him, i am realizing and learning a lot and everything just feels so good in spite of all the pain and struggle.

Thank you, Langga, for being there and not saying anything. You know just what i need. I love you so much and i wouldn't hurt you for the world. Thank you for taking care of me and loving me to bits. ;-)